Adjusting

Noah has been home from the hospital for 5 days and I couldn't be more thankful!!!  There is always an adjustment period but the first night having all 4 of my kids under the same roof again was an incredible feeling.  I went into the boys' room several times just to check on them and smiled.

We don't have any answers....that would have been too easy.  I understand that the main objective in the hospital is to make sure the child is no longer feeling suicidal, learns new coping strategies, and has the opportunity to practice them.  But, since this is where I am completely honest about things, it would have been really nice if the psychiatrist would have finished the testing/evaluations that we had started prior to his hospitalization.  I had been promised that they would do that....but they didn't.  Instead, they put him on meds because the few disorders he MIGHT have would be helped by this medication, made sure he didn't have any immediate side effects, and told us to follow up with his therapist.  Fantastic!!! (said dripping with sarcasm)  It's a frustrating process but no one said parenting was easy, right?!?!?!

Right now I'm thankful my son's moods are stable and he's home where he belongs!

It doesn't get easier

Noah is still in the hospital.  He will be until at least the middle of this week.  He doesn't like being there but he's making the most of it -- learning as many coping tools as possible for dealing with his anger and practicing them.

I have been able to see him everyday for about 30-45 minutes at a time.  I treasure our times together...the hugs he gives, the stories he tells, the things he tells me he's learning....and I struggle to keep my composure when it's time to leave.  It never gets easier to say good bye....to not be the one tucking him in at night....to see his eyes well up with tears....to know that he still cries at night....to hear him say "take me home with you" and know that I can't.  We all know this is the best, safest place for him right now....but it doesn't make it any easier.  I pray with him when I'm there and share Bible verses.  I made him a notebook with notes from his brothers and sister, from me, from my parents, and a few Bible verses.  It's something he can look at when he feels lonely, scared, sad and he loved it.

Thank you for all the prayers and support for our family.  We definitely still need it.

Prayers and support for Noah

It's interesting that the last post I made on my blog was celebrating Noah's 12th birthday.  I have started so many posts with pictures from the summer that I just haven't finished....but this way you can read all about what an amazing kid my oldest son is and how much he is loved.

Noah has been struggling with anger, fits of rage, and even off and on thoughts of suicide.  He's been receiving help and has connected with an amazing therapist.  But, last night, he was transported via ambulance to the hospital because of suicidal thoughts and actions.  The doctors felt the best course of action was the admit him inpatient to a different hospital.  So at 11:00 pm he was transported again, via ambulance, to a different hospital.  We got him checked in and settled.  But this time is incredibly different from any other hospitalization any of my other kids have had.  This time I didn't get to bring him in myself.  This time they didn't bring a cot in for me to sleep on.  This time I had to turn and leave, listening to him cry and not want me to leave.  This time, they locked a door behind me when I left.  This time, I only have certain hours I can talk to him or see him.  This time, I'm not the one he can turn to for comfort.

I know this is the best place for him to be.  He's safe.  He's around people who can help him.  And I am praying nonstop for him.  Will you please join me?

12 years old already!!!!

My dear, Noah....you are my baby that made me a Mommy.  That was truly one of the greatest moments of my life....hearing Daddy whisper to me "it's a boy!".....the best birthday present I could have ever received.  And now you're 12 years old!  It's so hard to believe since I'm only 29!  (hahaha)  Today we celebrated you -- the amazingly tender heart you have, the ways you make us laugh, the smiles you bring to our faces, the joy that can be seen in your eyes, and the way you love Jesus.  I pray this next year is one of the best ever.  I love you sooooooo much!

The birthday decorations -- there are 12 balloons!

The birthday boy chose his favorite supper -- taco bake!  I'll share the recipe another time.  It's very easy and  oh so good!

We had to start eating before Daddy got home from work.  He made it just a couple minutes after I took this picture. 

The goofy cake!  Noah loved it -- looked just like a grill with hamburgers and hot dogs!

PRESENTS!!!!

Pop Rocks and bubble gum from Eli and Joey.

Crunch bar from Abby (favorite candy bar!)

The movie "Short Circuit" -- one of his favorites.  (Super good deal because I found it for $5 at Wal-Mart!  Woo hoo!)

A Wind Flyer -- obviously VERY excited about it.  

A batting helmet for baseball

Awww.....such sweet moments.  It was a fantastic day all around.  WE LOVE YOU, NOAH!!!!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

10 years later - I'll never forget

 This is the view from the fire station by our house this morning.  Such an amazing reminder of what our country has gone through over the last 10 years but also of the incredible sacrifice our everyday heroes have made. 

Where were you when you heard about the attack?  I remember clearly where I was and what I was doing.  I was at home feeding my 9 day old little girl and watching my 1 year old little boy play with his toys right next to me.  You can imagine how emotional I was with my hormones being all messed up!  Tears and fears pretty much sums it up.  I remember calling my mom who was at work and seeing if she had heard about it.  I didn't want to continue watching the coverage but I couldn't take my eyes away from it.  I remember how our country came together and supported each other -- no matter what.  We rose above our political stances -- we were no longer Republicans and Democrats -- we were Americans.  How quickly we seem to forget. 

Today I honor and remember all of our fallen heroes and salute those who continue to defend and honor our country.  I will never forget!

"Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?  Were you in the yard with your wife and children or working on some stage in L.A.?  Did you stand there in shock at the sight of that black smoke rising up against that blue sky?  Did you shout out in anger, in fear of your neighbor, or did you just sit down and cry?  Did you weep for the children who lost their dear loved ones and pray for the ones who don't know?  Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble and sob for the ones left below? Did you burst out in pride for the red, white and blue and the heroes who died doing what they do?  Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer and look at yourself and what really matters?

I'm just a singer of simple songs, I'm not a real political man.  I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you the difference in Iraq and Iran.  But I know Jesus and I talk to God and I remember this from when I was young:  faith, hope and love are some good things He gave us...but the greatest is love." 

-"Where Were You" by Alan Jackson

1st day of school

Not only is it the 1st day of school....but it's the 1st day of school at a new school, with new kids, new teachers, new bus stop, new schedule....and the one who's the most nervous is ME!  The kids are filled with anxious anticipation for a fresh start and new friends. 

 Backpacks and lunch boxes are all packed and ready to go!

 "Back to school breakfast" is all set up.  This year I added something new -- paper cones by each place setting with a note from Grandma Theda and Grandpa Fred and me, plus a candy treat for later.  It was a hit!  And it's something I can do each day.

 Yummmmm....pancakes, fruit, whipped cream, sprinkles.

Heading to the bus!  Abby - 4th grade;  Noah - 5th grade;  Joey - 3rd grade;  Eli - preschool starting next week.

HAPPY 1ST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!!



God never said life would be easy...

This is the most difficult blog post I've written -- mostly because it makes me vulnerable -- but I promised myself when I started blogging that I would be honest with my posts.


It's no secret that Jeff and I have had many ups and downs in our marriage -- specifically in the last few years. From this post everyone knows how seriously I take my marriage vows -- the ones I wrote -- and how committed I am to making my marriage work. There also need to be boundaries and 1 person can only take so much. That's what this post is all about.


Jeff and I are separating. The kids and I are moving in a little over a week to a house a couple miles away that we'll be renting. The kids will be going to a new school and are excited about our adventure. When I talked to them about it, Abby asked "Mom, did you pray about this first?" I said "Absolutely, yes" to which she responded, "ok - then we're doing the right thing." They are wise beyond their years.


We have lost our home in foreclosure - something I've fought with everything I have to avoid. Jeff will have time to stay in our current house before he'll need to find another place.


I would appreciate all the prayers I can get during this time -- especially for the kids -- that they will always know how much they are loved and cherished: by me and, most importantly, by God.