#GratitudeAdventure Day 1

I am joining some friends that are taking the month of November to focus on the blessings we have and everything there is to be thankful for.  Some days are definitely more difficult than others to focus on the positive but life is so much more enjoyable when I live that way. 

Today I am incredibly thankful for relationships --- especially my relationship with the Lord.  It is a gift to be able to pray anytime....anywhere.  My prayers aren't anything fancy.  There isn't anything special you "need" to say.  It's simply talking to the Lord.  He desires to hear from me.  How amazing is that?!  My faith has gotten me through many many dark days and difficult situations.  I would be nothing without Jesus.

The body image struggle

Anyone who knows me knows that I have struggled (and still struggle with) eating disorders and negative body image since I was 12 years old.  I've gone from starving myself to taking laxatives when I did eat something to (now) overeating.  I had a breakthrough moment last night which is what I wanted to share. 

As I was getting ready for bed late last night, I had a breakdown.  I caught a glimpse of myself with no clothes on in the bathroom mirror and was horrified.  I broke down crying, thinking "how could you have let yourself get to this point?"  But instead of swallowing my tears and bottling up my feelings, I stood there and felt every emotion.  I looked at myself in the mirror, naked and vulnerable, and thought every negative thought I could have:  "you are disgusting" "no wonder you're alone" "no one will ever want to be with you looking like that" "what a terrible role-model to your kids" "you're lucky you have as many clients for massage as you do -- who wants to see a fat massage therapist"...and on and on.  Within a few minutes the negative thoughts stopped, the tears slowed down, and my breathing got back to normal.  Here is where the breakthrough happened.......

I dried my tears, washed my face and looked back in the mirror at myself.  I thought "what if I heard my daughter -- or my boys -- saying this stuff to themselves? What would I say to them?"  And I proceeded to tell myself those things.

"Karlynn, there is something positive about every part of your body....even the parts you hate:"

• yes, your stomach is flabby but you grew 4 babies in there and brought them into this world.  What a miracle!
• yes, your hips are wider than they were but giving birth is a unique miracle that you were blessed to experience
• yes, your chest (you know....boobs) points toward the floor but you fed 4 babies for the first bit of their lives
• your arms may not be toned but they comfort, shelter and reassure children that are scared or sad or hurt or angry at any time during the day and night
• yes, you work in an industry where what you look like is important but why, in your eyes, do you need to be a size 2 to be beautiful?  Let your fun personality shine through instead of self-doubt.  That is so much more beautiful.
• your eyes may have a few lines and wrinkles around them but it's from LAUGHING and SMILING so much!  Embrace it!
• And you've got awesome hair!  hahaha 

 By the time I got to that last one, I was smiling and giggling -- trying not to laugh out loud because my kids were all sleeping.  I went to bed last night feeling content with who I am.  I don't remember the last time I felt that way.  Does that mean I'm not going to try to better myself?  No way!!!!  It just means that I'm not going to say those terrible things to myself anymore -- no more beating myself up mentally.  I'm actually more determined now to carve out the time to work-out and find healthy meals to cook with my children because I want the outside to reflect what's inside.  The future looks bright.

Easter.....finally!

Yes, I do realize Easter was a couple weeks ago but I finally have had the time today to sit down, load my pictures onto my computer, and really contemplate why we celebrate Easter. 

For our family, Easter isn't about candy or chocolate or ham or bunnies or brightly colored eggs....although we are finally coming to the end of the sugary treats that accompanied our celebration.  For us it's all about Jesus.  It's about His ultimate sacrifice...giving His life willingly for every human being to have a relationship with Him and gain access to heaven.  We took time on Friday, Good Friday, to get uncomfortable.  Uncomfortable thinking about the pain and suffering that a perfect Jesus willing endured, about the gruesome cross, about the finality of the grave.....and then celebrating the miraculous resurrection.  It was a beautiful hour that I set aside with my children and led to some great discussions over lunch.

We also add in a lot of fun coloring eggs, putting together Easter baskets at midnight because I may or may not have forgotten to do it earlier, then hiding said Easter baskets in places I wasn't sure I'd remember the next day because I was so tired, enjoying yummy food and time with family.

 Our Pinterest cupcake WIN

 Egg coloring

 Our finished product

 I love the vibrant colors of the egg coloring liquid

 From left to right: Joey (11), Abby (13), Grandpa Fred, me, Noah (14), Eli (8)

 Kids with Grandpa Fred and Grandma Theda

 Family Easter picture - how did these kids get so tall?!?!?!

 Crazy picture

 Abby could not stop laughing after the previous picture

 YES!  A sweet picture.  

I hope that however you celebrate Easter, you had a blessed weekend.  Happy (belated) Easter!

 

Eli's 8th birthday

How in the world are you already 8 years old?????  You are my baby!!!  I know it sounds so cliche and OLD to say "time has just flown by" but it's so very true.  Looking back, these past 8 years have gone so quickly.  Many times I wish to have those moments back but I don't want to lose out on our current/future moments by wishing I could change the past.

We had a fun little birthday party with my mom and dad today at the care center where my dad is until Wednesday.  He won't really remember the party but we'll have the pictures to show him so he can re-live it.

My precious Elijah Paul.....there are so many things I love about you:

• your sensitive, caring spirit
• the way you love Jesus and aren't afraid to tell people 
• how you start counting down the time we can go back to Family Camp as we're pulling away from the camp!  
• your sweet singing voice
• your laugh....oh, how I love your laugh
• the way you look up to your older brothers and sister
• how you still love to cuddle with me
• the way you take pride in your homework and learning
• the way you love other people

I truly do thank God everyday for trusting me with you as my son.  I will enjoy watching you grow into a man who loves Jesus and other people.  I love you, buddy!

Enjoy some pictures from our day.....

Lunch after church at Green Mill

Sweet picture with Grandpa Fred

Now it's Grandma Theda's turn

It was a fun day celebrating Eli. 

Heartache

I have started and deleted this blog post so many times over the past 2 weeks.  It's been such a long time since I've blogged at all but when I started this blog I promised to be honest and real.  So, here it goes....again.  

It's no secret that Jeff and I have had our marriage issues over the past several years.  I have blogged about the ups and downs and have admitted my failures.  Jeff told me the 2nd week of April that he needed time on his own to think and process the direction his life is going and he would be looking for an apartment.  Things had not been good between us for awhile so it came as no shock to me.  The kids took the news as well as could be expected.  Noah and Abby cried.  Joey and Eli were very matter-of-fact about it all.

He moved out 2 weeks ago today.  It has been an incredibly difficult 2 weeks.  The kids have had their emotional breakdowns at different times.  Being there to hold them while they cry, pray with them, attempt to give some type of advice to help them process this when it's tearing my heart apart as well.

I have no idea if he'll be back or not.  I don't feel it's a decision that needs to be made at this moment.  There's a lot of hurt and pain and much prayer going on.  I would appreciate any prayers for us....prayers that the kids, especially Noah who seems to be having the most difficult time, would feel Jesus' love and peace; that I would have clear direction for the future and the wisdom to know the right words to say to comfort my children.

We claim Jeremiah 29:11 -- "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future."

A letter to my birth mom

As I get older and have my own children I think about you more and more.  Today is one of those days I think about you a lot.  I'm sure it seems quite random to you but today is a very significant day -- it's the day you made a childless couple, parents.  It's the day I joined my forever family.  I have had an incredible life.  God certainly knew what He was doing when He chose my parents.  My dad was one of my best friends growing up.  He was a teacher so we had our summers together.  My mom was a teacher until I came into their lives.  Then she stayed home with me, did daycare in our home so I could be around other children (I am an only child), and went back to work when I was in elementary school.  I grew up in a family who loves the Lord and desires to make a difference in people's lives.

But you will always be my first mother.  You gave me life and chose to give me the best life possible by trusting someone else to fill those shoes.  I can't imagine how difficult that decision was --- but you made it as a mother by putting your baby's lifelong needs (my needs) ahead of your own.  I can't help but love you for that.  I hope that you were able to go on, get married, and have more children.  I know my children bring me such joy everyday and I pray you experience that same joy.

I have no idea if you will ever get this letter -- if I will ever pursue finding you -- but I hope that on this day you experience an unexpected, unexplainable joy and love that's coming from me.

Love,
Your daughter

Thanksgiving Challenge: days 12-14

Days 12 - 14:  I am thankful for hot coffee with peppermint mocha creamer, warm coats and mittens on cold mornings.  I am thankful my kids still want me to walk out to the bus stop with them.  I am thankful for dear friends who listen to me, pray with me, and love me for me.

Thanksgiving Challenge: Days 10 and 11

Day 10:  I am thankful for Eagle Brook.....for the opportunity to worship with my husband and oldest son....for the relevant, life-changing messages that we hear every week....for the kids' programs that my children can't wait to go to....and for the reminders to remember what is most important in life that I get at just the right moment.

Day 11:  I am thankful for all the men and women who serve our country faithfully and for their families that are left at home.  I will never fully understand the sacrifices you all make so I can have my freedom --- but I will always be thankful.

Thanksgiving Challenge: Days 7-9

Day 7:  I am thankful to be working in a career where I can positively impact my clients' lives everyday.  At times they let me into their private struggles and emotional pain and I take that responsibility very seriously.  Other times, I am there to celebrate the most exciting times in their lives.  So incredibly thankful.

Day 8:  I am thankful that even when money is tight, I am able to feed my family nutritious food.  We are not starving....even though my kids will argue that sometimes they are.  :)  We are able to eat 3 meals a day and snacks in between.  So much of the world cannot say that.....I am thankful.

Day 9:  I am thankful for water -- clean water -- that I can get from any faucet in my house.  I don't worry about walking miles to get water.  I don't worry about my kids getting sick or even dying from contaminated water.  Parents in many areas of the world do have those worries every moment of every day.  I am thankful.

  

Thanksgiving Challenge: Day 6

I am thankful for so many things today.  First, I'm thankful for the men and women who have fought so hard over the years -- some losing their lives -- so I can have the opportunity.....no, responsibility.....to vote.  I get to have input in how this country is run.  How amazing is that?!?!?!

Most importantly, I'm beyond thankful that, no matter what the outcome of this presidential election is, God is still God.....unchanging, all-knowing, and still "in charge".  I put my hope and trust in that.

Thanksgiving Challenge: Days 4 and 5

Day 4:  I am thankful for my home.  We may not own it but I am thankful we are able to rent it and have a comfortable place to enjoy our family.  I am thankful for the space we have because in so many countries it would be considered a luxury.  I.Am.Thankful.

Day 5:  I am thankful for veggie noodles that up the nutritional value of my lasagna casserole!  Seriously!  I am even MORE thankful that my kids LOVE them!  hahaha  This challenge never specified that you had to be thankful for something serious and deep each day!  :)

30 day Thanksgiving challenge: Days 1-3

I have seen a thankfulness challenge going around Facebook so I figured it was perfect timing for me to participate.  Focusing everyday on something I am thankful for is exactly what I need.  Some posts may have pictures....some may not.  I would love to hear what others are thankful for as well --- please feel free to leave it in the comments section.

Day 1:  I am eternally thankful for the personal relationship I have with Jesus Christ.  He is ALWAYS there for me.  There have been many nights that I am awake at 2:00 am unable to sleep.  Being able to use that time for sweet moments with the Lord gives me a peace that is unexplainable.

Day 2:  I am thankful for the blessing of being a mom.  The responsibility is overwhelming at times but the blessings are infinite.

Day 3:  I am thankful for my parents who willingly take care of my children while I'm at work.  They pour themselves into their grandchildren.  They are prayer warriors and share Jesus' love in all they do.

Amazingly yummy chicken

So supper was a HIT tonight!  I had my 4 kids and one of their friends over for supper.  3 out of 5 of them LOVED it....and I consider that a big hit.  Plus they all asked me to make it again.  Score!  What's so funny about that is tonight was "clean out the freezer and pantry" night.  Double score!!  Hahaha

Here's the recipe.......

frozen chicken breast (I used an entire 2.5 lb bag)
apricot preserves (18 oz jar)
2 teaspoons dried onion flakes
2 Tablespoons dijon mustard
2 Tablespoons soy sauce
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1/2 teaspoon red chili flakes (this could be left out)

I dropped the frozen chicken breasts in the crockpot.  In a separate bowl, mix the rest of the ingredients together.  Pour mixture over the chicken.  Cook on LOW for 6 hours.  I served this with rice and cheesy veggies.  Sooooooo yummmmmmmy!!!!!  Enjoy!

Adjusting

Noah has been home from the hospital for 5 days and I couldn't be more thankful!!!  There is always an adjustment period but the first night having all 4 of my kids under the same roof again was an incredible feeling.  I went into the boys' room several times just to check on them and smiled.

We don't have any answers....that would have been too easy.  I understand that the main objective in the hospital is to make sure the child is no longer feeling suicidal, learns new coping strategies, and has the opportunity to practice them.  But, since this is where I am completely honest about things, it would have been really nice if the psychiatrist would have finished the testing/evaluations that we had started prior to his hospitalization.  I had been promised that they would do that....but they didn't.  Instead, they put him on meds because the few disorders he MIGHT have would be helped by this medication, made sure he didn't have any immediate side effects, and told us to follow up with his therapist.  Fantastic!!! (said dripping with sarcasm)  It's a frustrating process but no one said parenting was easy, right?!?!?!

Right now I'm thankful my son's moods are stable and he's home where he belongs!

It doesn't get easier

Noah is still in the hospital.  He will be until at least the middle of this week.  He doesn't like being there but he's making the most of it -- learning as many coping tools as possible for dealing with his anger and practicing them.

I have been able to see him everyday for about 30-45 minutes at a time.  I treasure our times together...the hugs he gives, the stories he tells, the things he tells me he's learning....and I struggle to keep my composure when it's time to leave.  It never gets easier to say good bye....to not be the one tucking him in at night....to see his eyes well up with tears....to know that he still cries at night....to hear him say "take me home with you" and know that I can't.  We all know this is the best, safest place for him right now....but it doesn't make it any easier.  I pray with him when I'm there and share Bible verses.  I made him a notebook with notes from his brothers and sister, from me, from my parents, and a few Bible verses.  It's something he can look at when he feels lonely, scared, sad and he loved it.

Thank you for all the prayers and support for our family.  We definitely still need it.

Prayers and support for Noah

It's interesting that the last post I made on my blog was celebrating Noah's 12th birthday.  I have started so many posts with pictures from the summer that I just haven't finished....but this way you can read all about what an amazing kid my oldest son is and how much he is loved.

Noah has been struggling with anger, fits of rage, and even off and on thoughts of suicide.  He's been receiving help and has connected with an amazing therapist.  But, last night, he was transported via ambulance to the hospital because of suicidal thoughts and actions.  The doctors felt the best course of action was the admit him inpatient to a different hospital.  So at 11:00 pm he was transported again, via ambulance, to a different hospital.  We got him checked in and settled.  But this time is incredibly different from any other hospitalization any of my other kids have had.  This time I didn't get to bring him in myself.  This time they didn't bring a cot in for me to sleep on.  This time I had to turn and leave, listening to him cry and not want me to leave.  This time, they locked a door behind me when I left.  This time, I only have certain hours I can talk to him or see him.  This time, I'm not the one he can turn to for comfort.

I know this is the best place for him to be.  He's safe.  He's around people who can help him.  And I am praying nonstop for him.  Will you please join me?

12 years old already!!!!

My dear, Noah....you are my baby that made me a Mommy.  That was truly one of the greatest moments of my life....hearing Daddy whisper to me "it's a boy!".....the best birthday present I could have ever received.  And now you're 12 years old!  It's so hard to believe since I'm only 29!  (hahaha)  Today we celebrated you -- the amazingly tender heart you have, the ways you make us laugh, the smiles you bring to our faces, the joy that can be seen in your eyes, and the way you love Jesus.  I pray this next year is one of the best ever.  I love you sooooooo much!

The birthday decorations -- there are 12 balloons!

The birthday boy chose his favorite supper -- taco bake!  I'll share the recipe another time.  It's very easy and  oh so good!

We had to start eating before Daddy got home from work.  He made it just a couple minutes after I took this picture. 

The goofy cake!  Noah loved it -- looked just like a grill with hamburgers and hot dogs!

PRESENTS!!!!

Pop Rocks and bubble gum from Eli and Joey.

Crunch bar from Abby (favorite candy bar!)

The movie "Short Circuit" -- one of his favorites.  (Super good deal because I found it for $5 at Wal-Mart!  Woo hoo!)

A Wind Flyer -- obviously VERY excited about it.  

A batting helmet for baseball

Awww.....such sweet moments.  It was a fantastic day all around.  WE LOVE YOU, NOAH!!!!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

10 years later - I'll never forget

 This is the view from the fire station by our house this morning.  Such an amazing reminder of what our country has gone through over the last 10 years but also of the incredible sacrifice our everyday heroes have made. 

Where were you when you heard about the attack?  I remember clearly where I was and what I was doing.  I was at home feeding my 9 day old little girl and watching my 1 year old little boy play with his toys right next to me.  You can imagine how emotional I was with my hormones being all messed up!  Tears and fears pretty much sums it up.  I remember calling my mom who was at work and seeing if she had heard about it.  I didn't want to continue watching the coverage but I couldn't take my eyes away from it.  I remember how our country came together and supported each other -- no matter what.  We rose above our political stances -- we were no longer Republicans and Democrats -- we were Americans.  How quickly we seem to forget. 

Today I honor and remember all of our fallen heroes and salute those who continue to defend and honor our country.  I will never forget!

"Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?  Were you in the yard with your wife and children or working on some stage in L.A.?  Did you stand there in shock at the sight of that black smoke rising up against that blue sky?  Did you shout out in anger, in fear of your neighbor, or did you just sit down and cry?  Did you weep for the children who lost their dear loved ones and pray for the ones who don't know?  Did you rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble and sob for the ones left below? Did you burst out in pride for the red, white and blue and the heroes who died doing what they do?  Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer and look at yourself and what really matters?

I'm just a singer of simple songs, I'm not a real political man.  I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you the difference in Iraq and Iran.  But I know Jesus and I talk to God and I remember this from when I was young:  faith, hope and love are some good things He gave us...but the greatest is love." 

-"Where Were You" by Alan Jackson

1st day of school

Not only is it the 1st day of school....but it's the 1st day of school at a new school, with new kids, new teachers, new bus stop, new schedule....and the one who's the most nervous is ME!  The kids are filled with anxious anticipation for a fresh start and new friends. 

 Backpacks and lunch boxes are all packed and ready to go!

 "Back to school breakfast" is all set up.  This year I added something new -- paper cones by each place setting with a note from Grandma Theda and Grandpa Fred and me, plus a candy treat for later.  It was a hit!  And it's something I can do each day.

 Yummmmm....pancakes, fruit, whipped cream, sprinkles.

Heading to the bus!  Abby - 4th grade;  Noah - 5th grade;  Joey - 3rd grade;  Eli - preschool starting next week.

HAPPY 1ST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!!!



God never said life would be easy...

This is the most difficult blog post I've written -- mostly because it makes me vulnerable -- but I promised myself when I started blogging that I would be honest with my posts.


It's no secret that Jeff and I have had many ups and downs in our marriage -- specifically in the last few years. From this post everyone knows how seriously I take my marriage vows -- the ones I wrote -- and how committed I am to making my marriage work. There also need to be boundaries and 1 person can only take so much. That's what this post is all about.


Jeff and I are separating. The kids and I are moving in a little over a week to a house a couple miles away that we'll be renting. The kids will be going to a new school and are excited about our adventure. When I talked to them about it, Abby asked "Mom, did you pray about this first?" I said "Absolutely, yes" to which she responded, "ok - then we're doing the right thing." They are wise beyond their years.


We have lost our home in foreclosure - something I've fought with everything I have to avoid. Jeff will have time to stay in our current house before he'll need to find another place.


I would appreciate all the prayers I can get during this time -- especially for the kids -- that they will always know how much they are loved and cherished: by me and, most importantly, by God.