Heartache

I have started and deleted this blog post so many times over the past 2 weeks.  It's been such a long time since I've blogged at all but when I started this blog I promised to be honest and real.  So, here it goes....again.  

It's no secret that Jeff and I have had our marriage issues over the past several years.  I have blogged about the ups and downs and have admitted my failures.  Jeff told me the 2nd week of April that he needed time on his own to think and process the direction his life is going and he would be looking for an apartment.  Things had not been good between us for awhile so it came as no shock to me.  The kids took the news as well as could be expected.  Noah and Abby cried.  Joey and Eli were very matter-of-fact about it all.

He moved out 2 weeks ago today.  It has been an incredibly difficult 2 weeks.  The kids have had their emotional breakdowns at different times.  Being there to hold them while they cry, pray with them, attempt to give some type of advice to help them process this when it's tearing my heart apart as well.

I have no idea if he'll be back or not.  I don't feel it's a decision that needs to be made at this moment.  There's a lot of hurt and pain and much prayer going on.  I would appreciate any prayers for us....prayers that the kids, especially Noah who seems to be having the most difficult time, would feel Jesus' love and peace; that I would have clear direction for the future and the wisdom to know the right words to say to comfort my children.

We claim Jeremiah 29:11 -- "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future."

A letter to my birth mom

As I get older and have my own children I think about you more and more.  Today is one of those days I think about you a lot.  I'm sure it seems quite random to you but today is a very significant day -- it's the day you made a childless couple, parents.  It's the day I joined my forever family.  I have had an incredible life.  God certainly knew what He was doing when He chose my parents.  My dad was one of my best friends growing up.  He was a teacher so we had our summers together.  My mom was a teacher until I came into their lives.  Then she stayed home with me, did daycare in our home so I could be around other children (I am an only child), and went back to work when I was in elementary school.  I grew up in a family who loves the Lord and desires to make a difference in people's lives.

But you will always be my first mother.  You gave me life and chose to give me the best life possible by trusting someone else to fill those shoes.  I can't imagine how difficult that decision was --- but you made it as a mother by putting your baby's lifelong needs (my needs) ahead of your own.  I can't help but love you for that.  I hope that you were able to go on, get married, and have more children.  I know my children bring me such joy everyday and I pray you experience that same joy.

I have no idea if you will ever get this letter -- if I will ever pursue finding you -- but I hope that on this day you experience an unexpected, unexplainable joy and love that's coming from me.

Love,
Your daughter

Thanksgiving Challenge: days 12-14

Days 12 - 14:  I am thankful for hot coffee with peppermint mocha creamer, warm coats and mittens on cold mornings.  I am thankful my kids still want me to walk out to the bus stop with them.  I am thankful for dear friends who listen to me, pray with me, and love me for me.

Thanksgiving Challenge: Days 10 and 11

Day 10:  I am thankful for Eagle Brook.....for the opportunity to worship with my husband and oldest son....for the relevant, life-changing messages that we hear every week....for the kids' programs that my children can't wait to go to....and for the reminders to remember what is most important in life that I get at just the right moment.

Day 11:  I am thankful for all the men and women who serve our country faithfully and for their families that are left at home.  I will never fully understand the sacrifices you all make so I can have my freedom --- but I will always be thankful.

Thanksgiving Challenge: Days 7-9

Day 7:  I am thankful to be working in a career where I can positively impact my clients' lives everyday.  At times they let me into their private struggles and emotional pain and I take that responsibility very seriously.  Other times, I am there to celebrate the most exciting times in their lives.  So incredibly thankful.

Day 8:  I am thankful that even when money is tight, I am able to feed my family nutritious food.  We are not starving....even though my kids will argue that sometimes they are.  :)  We are able to eat 3 meals a day and snacks in between.  So much of the world cannot say that.....I am thankful.

Day 9:  I am thankful for water -- clean water -- that I can get from any faucet in my house.  I don't worry about walking miles to get water.  I don't worry about my kids getting sick or even dying from contaminated water.  Parents in many areas of the world do have those worries every moment of every day.  I am thankful.

  

Thanksgiving Challenge: Day 6

I am thankful for so many things today.  First, I'm thankful for the men and women who have fought so hard over the years -- some losing their lives -- so I can have the opportunity.....no, responsibility.....to vote.  I get to have input in how this country is run.  How amazing is that?!?!?!

Most importantly, I'm beyond thankful that, no matter what the outcome of this presidential election is, God is still God.....unchanging, all-knowing, and still "in charge".  I put my hope and trust in that.

Thanksgiving Challenge: Days 4 and 5

Day 4:  I am thankful for my home.  We may not own it but I am thankful we are able to rent it and have a comfortable place to enjoy our family.  I am thankful for the space we have because in so many countries it would be considered a luxury.  I.Am.Thankful.

Day 5:  I am thankful for veggie noodles that up the nutritional value of my lasagna casserole!  Seriously!  I am even MORE thankful that my kids LOVE them!  hahaha  This challenge never specified that you had to be thankful for something serious and deep each day!  :)